Doctor! Doctor! I uh Have a Problem
by RedEyedWarrior
Summary: We all know what the characters like to do in their spare time and behind closed doors, and we all know this is not something to be completely open about. However, some couples have to disclose what they do in private because of certain accidents that can only be fixed in the emergency room. WARNING: unsuitable for anyone who has not yet attained the age of consent.


**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing Total Drama-related.**

**WARNING: Rated M for many, many scenes of a sexual nature. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.**

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"Okay, I've got in touch with your landlord and I have formally requested that they get an elevator installed in the apartment block," Noah told a bruised up couple. "Especially a one with Braille above the buttons, because even though the tests show that your vision is perfectly normal, there's still a chance ye may be blind."

"Thanks doctor," the female significant other replied. They stood up and bumped into the wall together just as they were on their way out the door.

"On second thought, you two should get a guide dog as well," Noah added. "Or many a guide human, since they can at least tell you are giving them the wrong food."

"Oh, we'll be grand," the male significant other shrugged it off, as he and his partner finally made it out of Noah's office.

"Take the elevator as well," Noah called after them. "And stay away from the window!" The couple didn't hear him – or possibly ignored him – and fell out an open window from the 10th floor of the hospital building.

"Oh great," Noah groaned, rolling his eyes and retreating back into his office. As much as working in the hospital in the part of the city which had the lowest IQ levels meant more visits and money for Noah, the bookworm was not sure if it was worth it. His sanity came first.

"Doctor, the next couple of patients are ready to see you," Noah's secretary informed him over the intercom.

"Send them in," Noah replied.

A few seconds later, Duncan and DJ walked into the office and sat down. Correction: Duncan walked in while he carried DJ, and sat down with DJ on his lap. Noah noticed that DJ's pants were down and a towel was covering his crotch.

"Normally, I would not care to ask what happened in a situation like this," Noah rolled his eyes. "In fact, I would actually prefer not to know. But since I'm a doctor and I have no choice, just keep it short."

"DJ and I were having sex when my dick got stuck in his ass," Duncan replied.

"This wouldn't have happened if you hadn't broken into my apartment and molested me while you sang something disgusting and vile in German!" DJ shrieked, turning his head to glare at the delinquent.

"What's wrong with a little Rammstein lyrics to liven up the mood?" Duncan sneered.

"It didn't liven up the mood, it made it creepier!" DJ hissed.

"Look, can we hurry this up?" Duncan turned to Noah, ignoring DJ. "My fly is kinda hurting my penis."

"Well you're penis is hurting my anus!" DJ shouted.

"This is going to require a very strong person," Noah sighed. "But Eva won't help. If she saw you guys in this compromising position, she'd just leave you guys in it because that kind of stuff turns her on."

"Then what are we supposed to do?" Duncan demanded. "I have other people to stick my dick in."

"Just stay here, I'll be back in a minute," Noah told his patients as he left the room.

"Good God, I hope Momma doesn't find out!" DJ started to panic.

"DJ, relax," Duncan assured the brick house. "She won't find out."

"What if she does?!" DJ glared. "She most likely will. There were other people in the waiting room and word of mouth can spread information very quickly. There were even children in that waiting room!" he screamed.

"They've seen an adult on another adult's lap before," Duncan dismissed DJ's argument.

"Yeah, but only on TV, and when the characters were doing it in private or by accident! You're going to have to answer to my Momma and my pastor why I engaged in sex before marriage if one of them finds out!" DJ threatened.

"Relax, you're old enough to take care of yourself so who cares what your mom thinks?" Duncan rolled his eyes. "And your pastor doesn't mind. I saw him last Sunday night and he was lovely. He was very good in the bedroom as well."

"But… the pastor has a wife, and he doesn't believe in polygamy!" DJ protested. "He even thinks homosexuality is sinful!"

"Oh… well you're gonna have to find a new pastor, because this one's a hypocrite," Duncan smirked. "Why don't you switch to Catholicism? You can go to mass whenever you want and donate whenever you want as well. You don't even have to practice the religion at all. I'm Catholic and I never go to the church at all."

Noah returned with a plate of expired butter in his hand. "Lucky they forgot to throw it out. Okay, so just rub it around DJ's asshole. This should make it easier to free your dick," he told Duncan.

"I don't want to get some on my pants," Duncan shook his head.

"Well maybe next time when you get someone up the butt you'll take off your pants rather than just zipping down the fly," Noah deadpanned, handing Duncan the butter. "Besides, I assume you have a washing machine, right?"

"I don't know how to use it so I just get my parents to do my laundry," Duncan laughed.

"Keep the towel on," Noah added. "I don't want to see what can't be unseen! You can keep that towel and the plate the butter was on as well. I don't think anyone would want to use them after this."

After a few minutes, DJ finally popped off of Duncan's lap. The towel fell.

"It worked!" DJ's smiled.

"Good, and now we can all- wait a second, what is that on your lap?!" Noah's eyes widened, pointing at Duncan.

Duncan looked down and cringed. "Damn it!" he swore.

"No worries, I'll just get the nurse to bring in a trash bag, some disposable gloves and something to put that thing into the bag," Noah covered his nose. "That pants can go in as well. I don't think anyone else would want to touch that and I don't think your parents would want to wash it again, unless you figure out how to use the washing machine."

"What about a spare pair of pants as well?!" Duncan growled.

"You'll be alright with just the towel," Noah shrugged, putting a peg on his nose which he conveniently had in case of situations like this. "And DJ, run to the toilet and wipe yer ass." DJ nodded and darted off to the toilet.

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**I guess those last few lines were unnecessary, no? I think I killed it before I even started it. Oh well.**

**Anyway, this fic is about the contestants having injuries caused by adventurous sexual escapades. Noah may be a doctor or a surgeon in some chapters, but in others, these roles will be filled by a different character or even an unnamed character. Noah will be in one of those couples. And there will be no continuity. The events of one chapter will be void in another, though some chapters may continue on from the events of a previous chapter. Some chapters may be more disgusting than others, but there will definitely be some that are milder than this.**

**Until next time!**


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